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I am an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, smothered in secret sauce.

1. I cried like a little whiny baby on the ride home today.  Except for my jaw doing weird things, I feel a little better.

1.5. Flexeril KICKS ASS.  14 (super cute, Monopoly house shaped) pills left.

2. My heart hurts.  Looking at how beautiful the clouds can be pushed me over the edge.

3. A co-worker and I shared fart stories this afternoon to lighten the mood.

4. Somebody tell me a happy story.  Anybody?  I’ll pay you.

5.  I thought James got kidnapped by the DMV today.   Not too seriously, but it was a concern.

6. That’s all.  Im tired of venting; this one’s gonna be short.

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My First Birthday!

Happy Birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday to Meee-eeeee….

I find it a little difficult to write a non-trite first birthday post for my little blog here.  Its hard not to say stuff like “wow I can’t believe its been a year!” and “I thank you ALL for being so supportive while I spill my guts.”  Because I can’t and I do but I don’t want to be all sappy, ya know.  So… Im just sayin.  Thanks.

I started Punctuated Palaver on the sly; she was my open minded mistress as I slowly stepped away from a blog I had been nurturing for about six years.   The older blog and I had some good times – it documented the beginning, drama, and development of my relationship with James, the long, histrionic death march of a doomed friendship marred by sex, lies, and abuse, and all sorts of other juicy stuff.  I used my real name over there (Tildy’s not my real name – shocking, I know!) and after an accidental outing all of my friends and some of my not-so-much-friends-but-I-or-James-hung-out-with-them-a-lot people started reading me.  I was effectively censored from all but the most tame subjects, and I felt myself losing my identity to the will of the mob.  It was an odd, flattering, ultimately suffocating feeling.   So I came here.

There were a few fits and starts before I landed, with a couch dress in tow.  I opened and closed two (or three?  I forget) blogs with varying levels of anonymity before I settled on this place.  James helped me with my oh so clever psuedonym, and I was delighted with myself for coming up with a punny blog title.  I pondered naming everyone who would be a regular character on here with a punctuation mark name (Ampersand, Mr. Colon, etc.) and quickly dropped that for the sake of all that is sane in the world.  Holy crap that would have been annoying.

Ive been through an exercise kick that nearly killed me, several money scares, porn purging, trial sized living with my boyfriend/fiancee,  the beginning my internship, and a whole bunch of knitting.

In early December I got a scare, finding some ridiculously specific search phrases pointing to my little online secret.  I freaked out and privated the whole blog, then tried to make a Tildy Grr Rockin’ Ranger Club where people could sign in as a contributer to see me, then realized that was super overkill and just password protected a hell of a lot of stuff.  Just a few weeks ago I finally settled into a good rhythm, figuring out what should be public (knitting!  weight loss!  romance!), which should be private (angst!  weight gain!  drama!) and what should be super duper private (sex!  lots and lots of sex!).  Certain people have certain passwords, and I feel really good about it all.  Woo micromanagement!

You’ve grown on me, little blog.  I feel more comfortable here than I have anywhere, with any blog, in a very long time.   Im glad you guys were here to see me grow.   Dammit – that was trite, wasnt it? I almost made it!

Darn.

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Writin’ on a plane, doot doot doo…

Well this is an exciting day in the life of my nerdom. I’m on a plane going to my Hometown (gonna see the parents for Christmas, then get the hell out of Dodge and see James for New Years), and not only do I have a cute little laptop setup on my foldy tray, Ive also got some iPod rip off white earbuds in listening to Gnarls Barkley. Wow I’m an ass, huh. Nice.

Obviously it would be horrible if I were attempting to get online while the plane is in the air – Id either be swimming in credit card debt by the end of the flight or Im somehow, oh so sneakily and nefariously hacking into the navigation system and checking all my blogs while the pilots freak the hell out (“Where are we going?! Mayday! Mayday! Our radar seems to be a sex blog!”) – so I’m typing this up in Word, which is severely cramping my whole “writing wittily” thing and putting me into a more “let’s reference esoteric articles” mood, so I’ll probably keep this short. Course, Im going to be in the air for another 2 hours so I guess I should come up with something.

I would just like to say that I think two sentences ago might be the most flagrant abuse of run-on that Ive ever attempted. My god woman learn to use periods. Also? I love the word “nefarious.” It’s not in my regular rotation, yet I’ve used it four times today. I think its ready for a comeback.

On the first leg of this trip, I sat next to a congenial older lady in a purple peek-a-boo shirt, bright red hair with 3 inch grey roots, and breath that smelled of brandy. Next to her was a 6’4” earnest, business man type, probably my father’s age, who commiserated with me on the tininess of the seats . Evidently he goes on business trips almost every week and the cheapskates who employ the poor guy cant upgrade him to at least business class – hell even requesting a fire seat would have been a kindness.

The lady was my favorite. She had such a sweet smile , a charming honker of a snore, red dyed eyebrows, and slightly crossed eyes that crinkled up when she laughed. She also might have pneumonia, that cough of hers was scarily gooey. We bonded over snack mix.

The last time I flew anywhere, I was meeting a friend in a mutually sentimental spot for a road trip. – it was only five or six months ago but it feels like decades. I actually got nervous getting to the airport – I read the oh so friendly travel tips that accompanied my itinerary and showed up at the airport 3 hours early, I packed enough food, a pillow, and a thin blankie in my backpack in case I got stranded in my layover, and ran through that security checkpoint like my undies were on fire.. I ended up getting to my gate 2.5 hours early. I live in the middle, baby.

I think this is because of the metamorphosis that occurred over the past few months. Im not the same person – Im engaged, for one thing, which caused a spurt in my maturity that I wasn’t expecting.

God I wish I had Sims 2 on this thing.

Sorry. Got distracted there. What was I talking about?

Right. I feel more adult that child now, which is new. I certainly don’t feel like a full blown grown up, but Im definitely not a kid. Im regularly wearing moisturizer now, for fuck’s sake. And not because I want to prevent wrinkles, no! It’s to slow down the crevices that suddenly appeared on my forehead. Where the hell did those come from? There’s also the emotional stuff; all my therapy is finally clicking with me, things are making more sense to me, Im not bereft if I have an otherwise forgettable but not necessarily perfectly polite interaction with everyone Ive ever met (that’s pretty huge), I can yell at james and he can snipe at me and I know we’ll be okay… Im not sure how I feel about all of this, but I think its good. I feel so much more confident than Ive ever been.

Somehow that translates into me freaking out about a short plane trip. Hm. Makes sense in my head.

Okay Im going. I’ll read this over when I get home (hee hee!) tonight, make sure I made at least some sense then post this puppy. Merry Christmas, everybody.

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Exciting to no-one but me, but good God its a red letter day over here in Tildy Town.

Today is the day I empty my bank account. Or at least thin out the ranks a bit.

Today is the day I get my laptop! Woo!

Whaddya think?

I might pass out from the pleasure, or the loss of 80% of my checking account, or perhaps knowing that I now own something that would be worth burglering… I’ll do some stretches beforehand in case I swoon I won’t hurt myself. Wish me luck. I’ll tell you how it goes. There will be an update, oh yes there will.

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Where Pride Meets Common Sense and sucker punches her kidney.

This hurts me, just a little bit, to look at.

Slide into Obscurity

That, my friends, is my blog stats from the last week. Since Ive gutted my blog, my page views have gone from around 80 people a day… to four. Hi guys! Way to hang in there.

Im not changing anything and I like my private options (Ive been writing more of those – email me if you want to read them. Ive been meeting a lot of nice people that way!), but I didn’t realize I was so prideful about this. Who knew? I’m a stats whore.

Life is looking good, in the real world where Im three dimensional and non-text. I had an honest to goodness weekend these past few days, and got a whole hell of a lot done. Ive been working on a lot of Christmas presents, drawings and knitting mostly, and also had a chance to go to a super cool Craft Extravaganza, chock full of hipsters and their wares. Puppies giving the metal sign on too-tight t-shirts, leather flowers on grown-up headbands, lots and lots of dark, moody paintings with distorted appendages, duct tape wallets, and so forth. …then I went to Target.

Slightly different experience.

Im going back to my internship site tomorrow, and I’ll be there for the rest of the week, then HEY! Another weekend! I don’t know how you grown up people with those fabled 9 to 5 jobs ever get used to that. It’s pretty darn fantastic.

Hope everyone is doing well. I’ll be back soon.

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